Ordinarily, i would say i am pretty ordinary. Actually, for a while i was almost kinda sad that i am so ordinary. well, what makes me ordinary? really, there is nothing that spectacular about me. i have so sweet skills. i do a lot of things
ok but none of them extraordinarily. for awhile i didn't mind being ordinary because i had always heard it said, "God uses ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary things." well if that is true then there should be no problem with being ordinary. but yet somewhere deep inside of me, i long to be not ordinary. i don't want to be the same as everybody else. because everybody else is ... pretty ordinary. i don't want to be ordinary. i long to not be ordinary. i long to be special.
i was recently told, at a church service, by the guest speaker, "You are not ordinary. You are a woman of God." now this might not be so extraordinary or special had he been talking to everyone. But he was talking to just me. there were a few people at the front and he was praying for them and giving them words of encouragement. he said that to me. and only to me. i am not prone to tears. they don't come naturally for me. some people are just good criers. i am not one of them. it is very rarely that i do cry. in fact as the tears streamed down my cheeks i wondered why i was crying. why where these words of life so freeing? so needed? so long i had waited to hear that i was not ordinary. why where these words so liberating? so healing? there was something healing going on in my soul, in the inner most part of my being as those words of life were spoken over me.
i don't want to be ordinary. i don't think anyone does. yes, we know that we are special, but somehow that specialness has become ordinary and in the process, i have became ordinary too. i was not created to be ordinary. my interests, hobbies, personality and weakness, are enough to make me an individual. but there is something deeper that makes me not ordinary. i am a godly woman. it seems almost audacious to write this. prideful too. but i don't think there is any pride here as i contemplate these words spoken over my life. in fact, i think there is great humility required to admit and testify that i am not ordinary. in a world where everyone is trying to be the best, trying to succeed in a competitive market, sports arena and relationships, vying for anything but ordinary, they are marked by ordinary despite their efforts, because of their efforts. ordinary people pursue the things of this world. not ordinary people pursue God.
this weekend surrounded by the festivities of a high school friend's wedding i realized, more than before, not everyone is pursuing God. As the life music and the alcohol from the ticket bar seemed to never end and i caught myself watching people: drink, flirt, dance... but mostly drink and flirt. polkas are not so good for flirting. i wondered what in the world are they trying to prove? what in the world are they living for? and i also caught myself reflecting, "they are ordinary. i am not ordinary. i am a woman of God."
today, there are lots of people. maybe even lots of godly people. but something i am noticing, especially in the church, is that though there are lots of people and even lots of godly people there is something missing in that: there are few godly women and few godly men.
now there is a vast distinction between a godly person and being a godly man or woman. and truthfully i think it is impossible to mature in godliness unless one is maturing as that godly man and that godly woman. God made us men and women. gently, i trod here as my statements are generalizations and exagerations to make the point that we are so prone to overlook and forget: we, as women, have sought to become tough, and strong and lead and like men. but men! oh men, they have somehow become
demasculinized. if that is even a word then it is defiantly... definitely what men have become. they have been told and expected to become gentle, tame, talk about feelings, domesticated.
no, i don't think men should run around farting, spitting and burping all the time. i don't think they should run around with clubs and beat each other on the head with them. but i do know that some where something has been lost. i don't know whose fault it is that men are acting like sissies. and i don't know whose fault it is that women are running around trying to rule the world. but i do know that there was and is something lost in the pursuit to gain equality: gone is godly manhood and godly womanhood manifest in our relationships, pursuing the Lord together. i have seen it occasionally. and i have been intentionally trying to grow into being a godly woman.
a question that i have is why in the world did women seek to gain what they could have had, and in the process loose any chance of gaining what they so
desperately sought? freedom, equality, rights and liberty. now we can wear what ever we want, or as little as we want: but men have come to disrespect, come to loathe these women who flaunt their bodies. why bother respecting a women who doesn't respect herself.
and another question: where were the men that let these women get so out of control? why did their husbands let them break away from family, care and protection. why did fathers let their daughters seek to abuse themselves? why did they let them think they could protect themselves when their actions demonstrated they didn't... couldn't... ?
I think this is what happened: Adam forgot who he was. and as he forgot who he was, he was no longer able to tell Eve who she was. with no foundation of identity for himself he was unable to tell Eve "you are woman because you were taken from man."
And why did Adam forget who he was? He strayed too far from the voice that whispered his name. he strayed too far from God. For it was God that named him in the first place, gave him identity and purpose.
And now woman, seeing that man has strayed and has no idea where he is or where he is going, has decided that she will seek to find who she is with out his help. and she will also name him too. she will tell him who she is. she will put him in his place. she will give identity to his life. and with that, there went man and woman, wandering, not knowing who they were. man defeated, wondering. and woman empowered yet perpetually wondering: seeking to name both herself and her man.
when a man looks at me and asks me with his eyes, "am i man enough?" i never reply for the answer in my heart is "i can not give you identity. i can not tell you if you are man enough. i can not answer that question for you." he seeks to prove his manliness, seeking and searching for answers. but women can not give him the answers that he so desperately seeks. some woman have tried. they have told their men who he should be, who they want him to be. and this has resulting in the weak men who, given identity from the woman, have become even more defeated and more lost in the process.
when a man knows who he is as a child of God and as a man of God it enables the females around him to develop into women of God. it is when a man knows who he is, as that Man of God, that he, no longer seeking the woman's answers, can now tell her that she is woman. and that is very good.
i am not ordinary. my strengths, hobbies, gifts, personality and weakness are enough to make me unique but it is the fact that i am a godly woman that makes me not ordinary.
oh men, boldly approach the throne of grace to meet the Lord and get him to give you affirmation and identity. i can not give you that. but please, when you have found that you are man, before the Lord, come back for me and my fellow sisters and please tell us that we are women.
