takes my breath away

Last night heaven opened and the Spirit of the Lord descended to meet with broken hearts and empty souls. After the message in chapel and a few songs silence roared: deafening, yet quietly reassuring. falling on my face i humbled myself before the Lord as a processor, knowing that if i forgot myself the weary soul would find solace in Jesus' strong, sure embrace. in silent reflection half of the campers stayed in the chapel and met with the Lord. and the tears fell. tears of healing. tears of pain. of joy. and restoration. changing their hard stone hearts for soft ones. it was a beautiful thing watching the campers and staff comfort each other: broken and crying together. That the Lord would choose to use a broken vessel like me, to pour out His love and to help to usher a lost sinner into heavens open, gates takes my breath away.

memories are made

our worlds are so far apart: where you have been and where i am going. but somehow when you are near time suddenly stands still. and in these moments memories are made.

i am so glad it is raining outside

i don't need you to fix it. i just need you to tell me that everything is going to be ok. i don't need you to tell me that i have done a good job or that i will do a good job. i need you to hold me. i don't need all the answers now. i just need you to be there with me, sitting in the rain. the tears are caught inside, captured by my own self sufficiency. that is why i am so glad it is raining outside.

Clarification!

So the other day i posted "Uncovered". I was pleasantly surprised to have a few comments already. Paul, mentioned in his comment that he had just written a blog on a somewhat related topic. So i checked it out. I was again pleasantly surprised to be mentioned in his blog. What a privilege and honor. I suggest that you check out his blog; it is way awesome and insightful. It is linked under "Friendly Blogs", on the right side bar of my blog.

However, as i finished reading Paul's entry, i was left with the feeling that "Uncovered" may have been a confusing, and discouraging to some guys. I copied the comment i left on Paul's "Wild Men" article to alleviate general confusion and as a somewhat apology for any insensitivity that i may have conveyed.

"Thank you for your candid remarks. I appreciate that you can say, with eloquence, what others dare not to attempt tackling. I enjoyed reading "Wild at Heart" too. There is definitely adventure and challenge and life to live in the godly pursuit of the Lord, though often missed or neglected in some church circles. I also wanted to clarify that the blog entry that you referred to was not necessarily about the disgust that i have for sketchy movie choices but the long coming and lasting effect of such choices which is the lose of the sacred beauty and respect that a man should have for a woman. For the men out there who struggle in this seemingly endless battle, i pray for your courage and strength. Do not loose heart and do not give up; i believe that the Lord will carry you on to victory. I did not mean to discourage you or to press disgust and disdain on you. I want you to regain that sacred beauty that was misplaced. I desire you to be victorious. Press on!"

I hope this is suffice for all clarification!

defined

manstinct - the instinct that is inherent to a man

crushable - a person of the opposite gender whom one has a crush on

potential crushable - a person of the opposite gender whom one could possibly in the future have a crush on

romantical - a romantic something... gesture, words or activity etc.

barfantical - a romantic something... gesture, words or activity etc. that has happened to someone else and you feel jealous or repulsed (depending on context, individuals involved, and the presence or absence of PMS)

this is my brain defined

uncovered

i am not an overly emotional person but when i do have feelings they are intense and real. there are some people who seem to have an emotional crisis every second day at the least. i have my share of problems and areas that i grow through and in but i am not one of those people who get worked up all the time. if i am ever having a feeling, though, i experience it with the greatest intensity which could perhaps be described as bursts of feeling.

right now i think i am in the middle of or at the latter end of a really intense feeling. i am not sure how to exactly describe this feeling. but it lies somewhere between disgust, and repulsion, while hovering close to deep sadness and major concern.

i have had several conversations with numerous people about the appropriateness of movies in the christian life. i know people who limit and strictly regulate and restrict their movie intake while others insist that they can watch whatever they want and not be affected. some friends that i know only watch movies with G and PG ratings. adversly, i had one guy friend state that he would watch R movies before he would watch a PG movie. when i tell people this they are usually shocked until i add his rational. he stated that with R movies there is violence and usually swearing but you know that, and you expect that. but with PG movies you expect they will be "pretty clean" only to watch them and be surprised with sketchy scenes, random nakedness and people clad in their under garments marching about like they were fully dressed. with PG movies there is now way of telling from the rating or the tiny blurb on the back of the DVD case how much and how frequent and how sketchy things will get. when i tell people about his rational they usually state something to the following effect, "i guess that is true, i never thought of it like that before."

now, i am not advocating that everyone go and watch an R rated movie after reading this but i do voice a caution for those of you who think that movies with G and PG ratings are "family approved".

inevitably, in all my experience, as the conversations progress on the topic of movies and sketchiness, some guy in the group will state, "that kind of stuff doesn't affect me". today that comment came with a shrug of the shoulders and a smug look on his face that seemed to say, "i am too spiritual for that stuff to affect me." this time, for some reason this smug look invoked a sickness deeper and stronger in me than similar comments made in the past. we parted our separate ways, as i had painting to do and he had some other work to do. as i painted i was able to sort my thoughts, order them and verbally compose them in a manor that was intelligible for human understanding.

how a woman feels when she watches a movie or sees anther girl uncovered when she is with a guy is explained as follows: first of all, this guy could be her dad, her brother, her friend, her boyfriend or her husband or any other random man or boy. when a woman is with a guy and they see another woman uncovered or in very little, she feels uncovered herself. she feels vulnerable, unprotected, exposed and personally violated. as the nakedness of another is exposed and revealed, for all to see, women feel as if it has been themselves that has been uncovered. she also feels shame. shame for that woman. shame for women corporately. and shame for herself proportionally to her own personal exposure or abuse. she feels unspecial.

i am disgusted with any man who "is not affected" by scantily clad sketchy women and random nakedness because inevitably this means he has lost something of the sacred beauty and wonder that a man was created to have for a woman. he is tainted to the point that his conscience no longer responds to the immorality of uncovered nakedness.

all throughout Scripture there is great shame associated with the uncovered, naked person as well as with those who are associated with that person.

take Genesis 8:18 - 27 for example. Noah plants a vineyard, drank the wine and was drunk and becames naked in his tent. Ham saw the nakedness of his father and told his two brothers. Shem and Japheth come and cover their father with a garment, laying the garment on the back of both their shoulders, and walking backward went and covered the nakedness of their father. When Noah woke, he knew what Ham had done and cursed him and then blessed Shem and Japheth for what they had done.

and the in the familiar story of Adam and Eve. before they fell into the original sin they were naked in the garden of Eden and they were not ashamed. Gen. 2:25 "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." then after they disobeyed the Lord "... the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings." Gen 3: 7

but the way that they tried to cover themselves was inadequate, insufficient and not enough. so "... for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them." Gen 3:21 God's covering was enough to cover their shame and their nakedness. it is interesting to note that the word translated as 'clothed' also may be translated as 'covered'.

God has covered us! "You have forgiven the iniquity of Your people; You have covered all their sin." Psalm 85:2

there is blessing with being covered! "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Whose sin is covered." Psalm 32:1

though some women choose to uncover themselves we no longer have to live uncovered.

ADDED LATER: Bibliography: some ideas about the way a woman feels when watching a movie with sketchiness and random nakedness were taken from "Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry". Sorry for the delay I couldn't remember which book it came from.

this is where i am...!

this is where i am... i arose this morning to the soft sound of snow falling. as the snow fell on this 18th of May it gently landed and contrasted on the growing green poplar leaves just arriving from their winter vacation.

this is where i am... Torch Trail Bible Camp. i started living on camp shortly after accepting the full time position of Director of Camps, Follow - Up and Discipleship. I have been primarily busy planning for the summer. This past winter i have promoted the camp at 4 Bible schools, 3 Christian High Schools, 12 churches and did one fun weekend in Montreal Lake and LaRonge with a kids games afternoon and a youth gym night in each finishing with a presentation at a church on the Sunday morning. All in 4 months. (I organized it before, of course.) Now that summer is quickly approaching i have been planning staff training, buying craft materials, processing staff applications and answering all kinds of questions about the camp that many people have via phone and emails.

this is where i am... aka camp aka home. I still remember when nbi finally became home and when returning i would say that i was going home. i remember in my second year in the RA meeting and how it was suggested that it was after first semester break and, if not, for sure by after Christmas that nbi was to become home for the students. my parents home has been home to me for ever and i am sure it will always be. and while working at lcbi my house there became a place of rest and recuperation and home. i have lived at the camp for just about 7 months and i would always think of returning to my place of dwelling as "going to the camp" and "torch trail". it was only last weekend as i returned from a friend's graduation that i thought, "it will be so good to be home." Torch Trail has become my home. this is where i am... home.

this is where i am... there have been, and probably still will be, uncertainties and insecurities.

this is where i am... but more recently and now there is victory, freedom, and life. and this is where i am...!