all my contenment issues

an online dictionary defines content as "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else". when contentment is defined by that same site (dictionary.com) words and phrases such as "ease of mind", "satisfaction" and "happiness with one's situation in life" are used.

Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary found on the same site is cited as defining contentment as follows: "a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may be (1 Tim. 6:6; 2 Cor. 9:8). It is opposed to envy (James 3:16), avarice (Heb. 13:5), ambition (Prov. 13:10), anxiety (Matt. 6:25, 34), and repining (1 Cor. 10:10). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude and benignity of divine providence (Ps. 96:1, 2; 145), the greatness of the divine promises (2 Pet. 1:4), and our own unworthiness (Gen. 32:10); as well as from the view the gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter (Rom. 5:2)."

.... well that saved me a bunch of research. :)

so i have been thinking about the word "contentment". here are my musings.

for quite a while i have been thinking about how, apparently, i am not content. by the definitions above i am perhaps very far from contentment. realising my need to be content i have spent considerable amount of time pondering how i am to induce contentment in my own life. the more i pondered the angrier i got.

contentment, to me, seems so passive and evasive.

i am not sure if it is connotation or expectation that contentment seems so passive... "just accept your lot in life..."

but it seems to be evasive because it seems to have the desire to cover up, hide and pretend that the desires of one's heart are not really there... "just accept your lot in life... and be happy."

i have had mono for over a month. i am, thankfully, past the 10 days of night sweats and temperatures of over 100. i am past the part where i was barely able to eat because my pussy tonsils where so swollen that there was just enough room for a Tylenol to fit... if you think i am lying ask my mom... she inspected them daily. i am past the days when my entire sustenance was soup and ice chips. now i am just tired and have to have naps in the afternoon... it may sound like the life but it is not.

another more unbearable consequence of having mono was the fact that i wasn't supposed to play contact sports for one month. with the advent of the NISL season i figured i would skip the one week of preseason and the first week of the season. i figured doctors always give a longer than necessary sentence. so the second week of the season i played and was tired after the first shift... and no it wasn't because i wasn't in shape so much as all those mono sites crowding the white and red blood cells out of my blood. (i forget which one carries the oxygen).

anyway, with mono there is the possibility of the complication of an enlarged spleen... that is why there is to be no contact sports for a month. if there is an enlarged spleen, and it were to get hit it would start to bleed and one could bleed to death. i figured that if i happened to have an enlarged spleen, which i don't know if i did, and i happened to get hit in the spleen, which there is a low probability of that occurring i would get to the hospital and get some medicines and what not before i went into shock and the next week i would be back happily playing soccer.

one of the guys on my team said, "it is better to miss a few weeks at the beginning of the season, than to miss the whole season because you are dead." my reply is just as candid, "it is better to die happy, than to have never truely lived." Wanda Marie looked like she was going to carry me off the court my first shift becasue she knew the gavity of the whole situtation.

i must not have been listening when my mom told me that the reality of a bleeding spleen is that it has to be surgically removed and thus no soccer for at least six weeks.

luckily i did not get hit in the spleen with an hard shot and so i still have my spleen.

when i considered the ramifications of my actions and the reasons behind them i realised i got dissatisfied... i got discontent.

i was the coach of my team yesterday and we had our two best games of the season so far, even though we still lost them both. being the coach doesn't mean that i don't wish i could play soccer instead of yelling, "sub when you can" periodically.

i did realise that my definition of contentment was a far better alternative to pretending and passivity than the other definitions i had encountered.

Crystal's definition for contentment: "making the most of the situations that you find yourself in."

here are some more gleanings that i contemplated as i prepared for soccer the day i embraced being the coach.

being the coach did not negate the fact that i hope to one day play the game

as i dressed in a cute brown button up top with delicate gold stripes i realised that i do not have to look like, or act like the rest of the people on my soccer team to have value and worth. i do not have to have the same role as them to be an asset to the team.

i can be actively pursuing the position of coach instead of bemoaning the fact that for a time i can not play.

contentment, then is not passive, it is not deceptive but the pursuit of reality making the most of the situations you find yourself in.

i think i will apply this to all my contentment issues.