i am not ashamed... i still sleep with a stuffed toy.

i don't have a baby. i don't have a boyfriend. but i do have a tatter tot. he has been with me for a very long time now. in fact, my memory does not exist before there was a tatter tot.

apparently, when i was small i didn't name him. years later i found him in a box in the basement and i kinda felt bad that i didn't remember his name. my mom had taken him away and put him in some box in a corner of our dark, dank, horrible and cold basement. i am sure the basement was drafty and musty as well.

anyways, all i knew was that he was mine. i remember opening the box and seeing a few things that i recognized from my childhood. "hey, this is mine!" i exclaimed. i took my bear, the little pillow and a few blankets and ushered them into my room. for a while the yellow bear remained nameless.

sometime during the duration of my first year at Bible school, nbi, i named him, tatter tot, after those tasty little potato things that one can eat for, preferably, breakfast or brunch. though they could be eaten anytime thoughout the day or even night, i suppose. since being named tatter tot, he has accompanied me on many adventures: to bgse in lake louise, and numerous soccer tournaments. here is a picture to commemorate the love that i have for tatter tot. i am not ashamed... i still sleep with a stuffed toy.

"where did i put my keys?"

I have just finished reading "to live in love" by Eileen Guder. She systematically goes through 1 Corinthians 13 giving practical application that is profound in it's simplicity and life changing if implemented. I quote one specific part that challenged me: "Rather than face, and deal with, the sins that are our own, we look around for some evidence of someone else's sin." (p 152, paragraph 1). Though first published in 1967, these words still ring true.

I often loose things, misplace them and then forget where i have put them. There is another person that i know who does this a lot, as well. It annoys me to no end. "Why can't he keep track of his things? Why does he always leave this laying around? Why can't he can't put that back where he found it? Do i even need to bother guessing whose this is? Of course, he always leaves stuff everywhere." I mutter to myself.

But as i look closer at my own life i realize that it is me that annoys myself. "Where did i leave my keys? Has anyone seen my jacket? I was sure i put that paper here somewhere." i seethe in frustration with myself.

It is much easier to mutter under my breath about someone else's faults than to look introspectively at my own. Change? That takes work! Complaining is much easier. Taking responsibility for my actions? Never! That's hard. But i think it is worth it. I think it is worth the effort, the time, even worth the pain.

When i take responsibility and see the real ugliness, and imperfection in my heart that i try so desperately, yet so inadequately, to hide, i am found in a place where i am broken for i can't even change my bad habit of loosing things on my own. Oh what a desperate state i am in when i try to change "unhealthy relating patterns" and "disobedience" and "rebelion" aka ... SIN... (oh how painful to my over inflated pride to even write) that has spawned from no where in my heart.

My heart is inherently bad, corrupt, deceitful. I naturally want to run from and pretend that i have done no wrong and that everything will be ok. And there is more that needs to change than just my awful habbit of loosing things. There is so much more that needs fixing, so many more areas in my life that need continual redemption.

But praise be to the Lord of Heaven who enables change, in all parts of my life, who enables me to want to change. Who brings me to a place in my life where i want to deal with the yuckiness beneath and give up my pretending facade.

O Lord, you are my Rock, my hiding place. I do not need to run and hide from You but i need to run to You to find shelter and strength. You are the only one who can change a gross heart and mind. Thank you for the desire to look at my own sin in assurance that You have already provided the only way it can be blotted out and erased.

Horses

Well, i thought i would post this picture for you all who know about my secret blog. I just think that it is neat that all these horses lined up just for this picture.

I don't know a lot about horses. I don't know about their care, grooming, training or anything else about them for that matter. But i do know how hard it could be to photograph seven of them like this in a row. Well, maybe it would be easy for some. I have decided that i am kinda a boring hermit and taking pictures is basically the excitement of my life so i thought that if there are any people out there not doing a particularly large amount of random activities on the given day that you stumble accross this blog, you might like this picture too.

I actually haven't done anything at the ranch except take pictures. Here is another picture: (I found the balck and white and soda function on my camera. Oh, the joys of digital photography. But whoa, and alas, i miss you closed eyes pictures.)

Tribute to Closed Eyes Pictures

"Oh, your eyes are closed." He said.

"Let's take another one." She said.

With the advent of the digital camera closed eye pictures are now a rare and endangered entity. A simple few clicks and they are deleted from digital cameras, computers, and rarely ever printed at Extra Foods and Walmart.

Oh, closed eyes pictures, i pine for you. I long for the days gone by when, inevitably, i would return from developing over priced film pictures only to find that in every single one there was someone with their eyes closed. i long for those disappointing moments now, as your imminent extinction only reminds me of the other things that we have lost with the boom of technology and industry: the parlor and tea on Sundays, long walks in the woods, homemade soup, chivalry.

When you disappear, oh closed eyes pictures, it is only a matter of moments before all that is right and good and pure in the world follows your demise.

Sunrise

"The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” Lam 3:22 - 24 NLT

My Tribute to Peppers

I just thought i would write a little on one of my favorite foods: PEPPERS. i actually like the yellow ones the best. they are so juicy. Peppers are also very unique. I think they are all shaped differently. And it is true that they come in lots of different colors too. Their array of colors make them so beautiful i sometimes don't want to eat them. i like to eat peppers raw and like the crunchiness to them. i am not sure why i am writing this tribute to peppers, except that i like them and i haven't entered a post for a while. I also am writing more words to fill up space because i don't like it when there are only a few words right beside the picture and then only a few underneath. Oh well, i hope all this writing and talking about my love for peppers... especially the yellow ones makes an aesthetically pleasing blog post. Well if i was you i would hustle my buns to a grocery store and buy a yellow pepper. Because yellow peppers are the best!