And how will I find a man when I live in my parents’ basement?

For a twenty – four year old woman who has a BA in Pastoral Studies and two years of full – time ministry experience, from the vantage point of living in my parents’ basement, I can’t help but wonder: Is there more to life? I feel betrayed by the society and the idealism that told me I could have it all: career, ministry, success happiness and contentment.

For the confident, cool, forever collected woman I am supposed to be I feel duped and foolish. I was told I was a world changer, to dream big dreams, to impact society, to make something of myself. But here I am back at the place I started six years ago. I was a fresh face, full of energy and zest: ready to take on the world and win. But here I am, again, living with my parents … dependant once again. No job, no home and no one to share my life with. The epitome of failure: dependant, unemployed, homeless… and single to boot. Where is all the fame and glory?

I only see specialness among the mundane.

I wanted to “do something with my life”. I wanted to impact others. But I see that I am nothing. There has to be more to life than chasing the ever illusive dream of success and happiness. How much to I really care to be nothing… and surrender?

Contentment? I thought I was promised a life of good times, fulfilling relationships and a good reputable job (with decent salary and benefits).

Normal. Life is so normal. Where are the fireworks, the grand adventure, the brilliant sun sets and the shining man on the white stallion?

Life seems to have gotten too busy for sunsets and homemade granola bars.

All I have are empty promises and broken dreams. I have been disillusioned by the shout of success, the lure of heightened dreams and the façade of the fabulous future. In reality all there is, is the mundane contentment in the simplicity of life.

Where is that self confident independent woman that I am told will bring fulfillment. My head is so full of the right answers I have had no time to think about what I feel myself. Is there more to life than chasing fame, glory and fortune? To the on looker I have it all, yet I feel so empty inside.

In my mind I have a picture of the ultimate failure and I have become it: living in my home town, helping with youth group, living in my parents’ basement.

I had expected ministry to be “all that it was cracked up to be”. I was lonely. I still am. In ministry I had position, status and a ‘WOW, I can’t believe you are doing this”, factor. Now I am only what I am: a selfish little brat. I can think of no one but myself. My success. My happiness. Contentment? It isn’t even an option. I will always want more. I will always want to be more.

I’ve been told and have told so many people that they can achieve greatness, do whatever they want, that they are gifted for ministry. They dashed my hopes for them and worked at a regular job. Content. But I was not. I have big dreams. I’m independent. I am a mover and a completer. I have high hopes. But nothing is WOW enough. Nothing is extravagant enough for me. I need to achieve. I need to be someone. Need to prove I can make it. Need to be the best. Do the best and need to bee a step above the rest. But it makes me feel so selfish and so insignificant.

Maybe when people chose to work in a regular job that they love it isn’t because they didn’t have what it took to make it, but perhaps they had it made. Maybe choosing to live life they found life and in slowing down they found freedom. I feel like I always have to be doing but I have no idea where I am supposed to be going. And I don’t like going alone, that’s for sure. Is nothing more? And is that more, less?

My pride is broken, I feel humbled to not have a job or a home but seriously… how long does this have to go on?

And how will I ever find a man when I live in my parents’ basement?